It’s that time again folks, time to polish up those old resumes. I thought I would share a few helpful hints on taking a good resume and making it into a great one. Please review the example down below:
Mr. Limbo Stevens
24 D Street, Hardpan, UT
Hi there Samantha of Maxitorp Inc., it’s me Limbo. I am reaching out to you because you are my last hope. I stand here on the edge of oblivion and you are the only one who can pull me back.
The Objective Statement has fallen out of favor in recent years. I find that it is an excellent chance to mention the recruiter’s first name and lunge right for the heart strings.
Full-End Front-Stack Analyzer, June 2016 – Present
Maxitorp Inc, Glengrail, CA
The first item in your work experience list should be the job you are applying to. That might sound a little strange, but bear with us. This is what we call Aspirational Experience. Putting the job you don’t yet have at the top of the list shows confidence and/or you are capable of precognition. If the later, add that to your skill list!
Computer Technical Operations Designer, June 2016
Paucity Group, Skidwich, MA
Documented strategic documentations
Opened up growth space for the professional mobility of co-workers
Try to disguise your termination from a company as a kind gesture you did for the company
Chief Summoner of the Fire Portals of Laziroth
Level 89 Flame Prince
Entrusted with the Blade of Beckoning Madness
Completed Glaziball the Cursed Dungeon
Very long video game campaigns count as job experience
Dark Month of the Soul, May 2016 – June 2016
Starred out the rain coated window as the sky grew dark each night
Juggled crippling self-doubt with the inevitability of annihilation
Consumed nothing but hotpockets
A little-known fact: It’s important to address not just jobs that you’ve had, but those frightening gaps in employment as well. Treat them just as you would treat a normal job.
Senior Hyena Cage Cleaner, November 2015 – May 2016
Eastwick Zoo, Eastwick, MA
Battled fiercely with hyper carnivorous mammals
Engaged profoundly with hordes of Zoo patrons
Advanced shovel operations
Terminated for hoarding cotton candy in locker
Employers will be sending your resume through sophisticated search software to analyze which candidates to focus on. Make sure to use powerful action words.
Sabbatical, January 2011 – November 2015
Attempted the Appalachian Trail
Sprained an ankle
Hitchhiked across Europe
Sprained the other ankle
Wrote a novel
Failure is success that’s just running a bit late!
Pet Store Clerk & Tattoo Artist, December 2006 – March 2007
Ardy’s Pet Island & Tattoo Parlor, Wolyanis, MA
Cleaned the cages at night
Inked a pair of ship propellers onto a man’s butt cheeks
As a general rule, a resume should be one page. Feel free to combine two consecutive jobs to save on space.
Lawn Maintenance Engineer, June 1999 – August 2001
Uncle Brady’s House, Shrewburg, MA
Meticulously sculpted front and back yard with attention to detail.
Operated heavy machinery
Employers want to know every job you’ve ever had.
Quonsockensett University, September 2005 – June 2009
Bachelor of Art, Gripe Studies
Shrewsburg Regional High School, September 2001 – June 2005
High School Diploma
Voted most likely to Succeed in Sports
High school accomplishments are just as relevant as any other.
-Rudy on the Rails
Lands I have Conquered/United
Most people forget to add this section.
And that’s it! Now get out there and find the job of your dreams!